(SATIRE) Not on the News: The Week of 8/6/17

As the violent and bloody war on the media continues, journalists in newsrooms across the nation huddled in terror on Friday as Attorney General Jeff Sessions threatened a bombardment of subpoena bombs against journalists who published leaked stories. This news came after four were left dead in a newsroom in Washington D.C. after troops loyal to President Trump attacked a small outlet that retracted an incorrect story.

Despite the persistent war that the Trump administration has waged against the press, journalists are not yet ready to surrender just yet. As his colleagues barricaded the office and dug trenches on the surrounding streets, one New York Times journalist expressed optimism about the current situation.

“We’re going to keep fighting because it’s what this country deserves,” the journalist said. “Not to mention that we’ve still got plenty of secret weapons to use! YOU, THE INTERN OVER THERE! YES, YOU! GET READY TO BRING OUT THE FIRST AMENDMENT LAWYERS!”

The Trump war on leakers could soon also include a tumultuous civil war inside the White House as well. Reports suggest that certain members of the White House are continuing to leak information, even after Trump attempted to shake up his staff in an effort to create a fully united executive branch.

News is also still being leaked from recently ousted staffers as well. This reporter recently had the opportunity to receive some information from former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus.

“If you liked the one I gave you last time, wait until you hear this one!” Priebus said in a phone interview. “The president once asked me if he could get bacon removed from the breakfast menu. ‘I’m tired of worrying about having to eat my friends!’ he said. Make sure you put that one in! I’ll be in touch.”

Journalists also scored a victory earlier this week when White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci was killed in the line of duty by an accident of his own. A profane interview where Scaramucci insulted White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was published, giving Trump and new Chief of Staff John Kelly enough reason to have Scaramucci executed for treason.

Scaramucci’s term as Communications Director only lasted 10 days, barely beating out former Hitler Youth member Jack Koehler and his 11 days in the position for shortest term ever. Scaramucci had a short statement prepared a little after he was fired.

“F—,” the statement read.

In South America, akin to the violence going on up here, Venezuela is in shambles, as the opposition to Communist President Nicolas Maduro suffered a stunning defeat in the elections for the National Constituent Assembly. Only 8 million out of 31.5 million people voted in the election, and a voting company claimed that up to a million of those votes could have been fake.

Members of the developed world were outraged.

“The fact that a country would alter its own elections is ridiculous. But at least this time, it helped out the communists,” a left-wing activist in America said.

While the odds of Venezuela’s problems being solved peacefully are low, some countries are still taking an optimistic outlook this time.

“Election results were very bad, yes,” a Russian government spokesman said. “But at least this time, we not have to interfere with election to ruin country. Venezuela, it is example to follow.”

Finally, Russian President Vladimir Putin released another set of topless pictures, this time of him hanging out along a Siberian lake. The Kremlin released a statement accompanying the pictures.

“These are pictures you ask for, Mr. Trump. Enjoy,” the statement read.

The White House declined to comment.

This article was written for satirical purposes. All quotes and statistics are fabricated and should not be taken literally.

Follow Thomas Denome on Twitter at @thomas_denome

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