(SATIRE) Not on the News: The Week of 7/30/17

If you follow the news remotely, you probably have already gathered how ridiculous this week has been in the realm of politics. The largest legislative fight in recent memory came to a spectacular close, another faction was defeated in the war for President Trump’s attention and the Democrats … well, they tried to make the news but, I doubt anyone cares that they actually have a platform now.

All this happened while behind the scenes, North Korea apparently wants to kill us all. But if the media is to be believed, that doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that a one-year-old boy was taken off life support and died. What, did you expect him to suddenly get better without a bunch of tubes attached to him? This is a weird news cycle.

The legislative battle I spoke of earlier would be the fight to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with either a Republican variant or some other health care legislation entirely. And when it came time to vote on the legislation, some of the most qualified and adept people in Congress came together … and told their Republican colleagues that they were insane. As in, they literally told the Republicans how crazy they were.

“I just walked up to (Majority Leader Mitch McConnell) and said ‘Mitch, you’re just crazy if you think this is going to help America,’” Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) said. “And I felt bad afterwards, so I went out and bought him a big bag of turtle food. That seemed to cheer him up.”

Other senators had similar experiences with their colleagues.

“It was actually kind creepy when I told (Sen. Ted Cruz) how insane he was,” Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CN) said. “He just started at me for a while, then handed me a piece of paper and walked off. The paper had some nonsense about star signs or something like that. Just Ted being Ted, I guess.”

Regardless, all three Republican proposals failed to gain a simple majority of votes and thus were defeated. The final defeat was spearheaded by Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) who bucked his party to defeat a “skinny repeal” of “Obamacare,” which he saw as an unacceptable replacement for the controversial legislation.

McCain, who is currently fighting brain cancer, left the Senate chamber soon after the vote to go continue the treatment. However, in a video message similar to one he made last week announcing his cancer diagnosis, McCain explained his “no” vote.

“I can’t support legislation that doesn’t actually help the American people and engage both parties. That’s not what this country is about,” McCain said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go punch another shark.”

McCain then stood up from the hospital bed where he was sitting and dashed off at incredible speed. In the minutes that followed, surfers continued to report a strange man who looked like McCain punching sharks while they surfed. Such incidents have been continuing for a little over a week now, the Coast Guard said in a statement.

On the subject of the Coast Guard, President Trump announced via Twitter that he had decided to ban transgender people from serving in the U.S. Armed Forces. When asked for a comment on this new action, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders paused before replying.

“Well, I think it’s pretty obvious that the President doesn’t want transgender people in the armed forces because they have weak arms,” Sanders said. “That and the government should not cover cover the medical costs and … eh, whatever. HEY ANTHONY! CAN I START CURSING THEM OUT YET?”

Sanders was evidently speaking to newly-appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci, who made the news when he swore heavily when talking about a member of President Trump’s staff. In a short statement, Scaramucci defended his words.

“I thought about being courteous in that interview, but I don’t f—ing care,” the statement read.

The staff member whom Scaramucci had gone after in the interview, Reince Priebus, was fired on Friday, a couple days after the interview had been made public. Priebus, the former chairman of the RNC, was one of the few remaining establishment figures in Trump’s administration. With him gone, Trump’s staff now consists largely of people with little political experience.

Soon after the firing, Priebus was seen leaving the office of Satan. While the former Trump staffer could not be reached for comment, press members heard him mumble a few things as he left to board a flight at the airport.

“Sold my soul and this is what I got?” Priebus reportedly said.

This article was written for satirical purposes. All quotes and statistics are fabricated and should not be taken literally.

Follow Thomas Denome on Twitter at @thomas_denome

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