(SATIRE) Not on the News: The week of 7/23/17

Not on the News is a new satire column reporting on events that the media failed to cover because they were made up entirely by your truly.

The odyssey of the Trump presidency this week continued into its seventh month as half a year has passed since President Trump took office. To celebrate the occasion, he added to his streak of “weeks where I said at least one ridiculous thing” by inquiring to his lawyers if it would be possible to pardon himself.

Originally, Trump asked whether he could get three scoops of ice cream next time, but was told such a request was unfeasible.

“He was sure mad about that,” a White House source said. “He was ranting and raving and saying things like ‘more proof socialism is evil’ and ‘Chris Christie gets three scoops, so why can’t I?’”

Insult was presumably added to injury when Trump had the Senate Republican caucus over on Thursday to discuss the recently-failed health care bill. At the lunchtime meeting, every senator was given two scoops of ice cream as well as Trump.

“They even gave us chocolate sauce!” Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) said. “I never got chocolate sauce when I was growing up. This one bully would always steal it from me, then imply my genitals were undersized.”

The aforementioned health care bill was already shaky when two Republican senators finally came out against it, causing the bill to fall short of the 50-vote threshold. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) was visibly upset, refusing to take questions from reporters until he finally crawled back into his turtle shell.

On a slightly sadder note, longtime Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) was diagnosed with brain cancer this week, yet another obstacle too many in the life of a former POW and twice-failed presidential candidate. However, far from incapacitated, McCain refused to give in to the cancer.

“This is nothing at all,” McCain said in a video statement. “I mean, it’s just a bunch of overgrown cells. What kind of man would I be if I couldn’t take on the human equivalent of garden weeds?”

McCain then proceeded to grab his head above the eye and pulled for a couple seconds. After a short struggle, a small tumor popped free from McCain’s head, along with a section of skin on his forehead. Still on camera, McCain laughed it off.

“This tumor? Send it to the Vietnamese!” he said triumphantly, before running out of the hospital by himself. A surfer in California later claimed he saw a man looking similar to McCain running through the water and punching a shark, before saluting and speeding back off.

While McCain had no problems making good press last week, Trump’s White House hit a snag in terms of media relations when Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned on Friday. An ever-boring Spicer gave a special White House media briefing and took questions from reporters.

“Why I resigned? I haven’t talked to the president about that yet,” Spicer said. “Oh, and I’m publishing a book about my time here. It will be titled ‘All I Wanted Was to Meet the Pope.’”

To end it off, famed author Ann Coulter continued her dispute with Delta Airlines althroughout the week. Coulter claimed that she had been removed from her pre-booked extra-legroom seat and moved elsewhere while a woman with shorter legs got the seat. Coulter announced her plans to write another book, this one called “Adios, Delta!”

Book retailers are ecstatic at the chance to sell both Spicer and Coulter’s books.

“We expect maybe six or seven major protests, but eh, if they want to burn the books, they gotta buy them first,” an Amazon spokesman said.

This article was written for satirical purposes. All quotes and statistics are fabricated and should not be taken literally.

Follow Thomas Denome on Twitter at @thomas_denome


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